How Kindergarten Brought Me Honour, Authenticity and Joy
Updated: Sep 18, 2019
Last week my Little Miss started Kindergarten.
I wasn’t ready.
It seemed so early this year. I knew it was coming and I pulled back from work quite a bit so that I could have more time with her this summer.
Our summer was filled with long lazy days of just hanging out together reading in the hammock, doing yoga on the lawn, going to the beach and the lake with friends, going for our barefoot walks in the woods, snuggling and just chatting. We had days that would just unfold and we’d do what we liked, together.
The first week of kindergarten was ok, neither of us were ready for our summer to come to an end, but the first week of classes were short and the days were sunny and warm. I would pick her up and we’d hang in the garden at the school and eat grapes from the vine growing over the pergola, while I chatted with the other moms and she’d play with the other children. Then we’d go paddle boarding or go to the beach with friends. It was a nice transition from summer vacation to kindergarten.
This week, shit got real. The clouds, the rain and the cooler temperatures rolled in. It started to really feel like fall. Myla and I went into the woods for our walk on Sunday and she looked at the ground, stopped short and exclaimed, “It’s so leafy!”
This week she is going to school from 8:40am until 3pm. It’s a wonderful school, but it is an adjustment for both us to be away from each other.
This morning I woke up and the rain was falling and I felt sad. Sad that we couldn’t cuddle in bed and talk about what we wanted to do that day. I felt sad that she wouldn’t be climbing under my downward dog and trying to imitate her favourite poses. I felt sad that we couldn’t just let our day unfold, just spending time together. I miss her.
In the past, I would have reasoned with myself. Tried to talk myself out of honouring the feelings that were coming up for me. I would have busied myself to avoid feeling the uncomfortable heartache.
But, it would still be there waiting to be felt. Unacknowledged and ignored it would have festered there just under surface. I would have carried it around with me until it became a part of me, just like when you have a little, niggling physical issues. Eventually, you adapt, you stop noticing it so much. It just becomes the way you are. You start to forget about it.
Emotions are the same as those little niggling physical complaints that eventually become ‘the way we are’.
When we don’t acknowledge and feel our emotions, they stay stored in our body. They become part of who we are and we barely notice all the suppressed grief and sadness that has been slowly building up over the years until it becomes an actual unresolved grief disease. We start to become more introverted. We start to need more time alone, but we are also lonely when we’re alone. We start to hold onto hurts and have trouble letting them go. We have strong emotions inside, but we don’t want people to know, except maybe a close loved one or two. We start to take up other’s causes, because we can’t deal with our own. Physically, we can start to retain water or experience hay fever or even have little heart flutters. These are all the ways that unacknowledged and ignored sadness or grief can start to try and get our attention.
So, today when I started to feel sad, I let it well up in me. I took some time to feel it. I went and told my husband how I felt and I started crying before I could even get it all out. I lay down and just let myself cry, even though I had just finished putting on my mascara, and it wasn’t even dry yet and was streaming down my face. Even though, I could tell that it was brining up feelings for my husband. I just let it release. I just let it flow through me. I honoured it. When we do that, it doesn’t get stored in our body, it doesn’t start to cause all of the symptoms I mentioned, and more that I didn’t. It just flowed through me, so that I could let it go and start to embrace our time apart. I could start to feel excited that she will get to learn amazing things that I couldn’t teach her. She will get to play with her friends all day and form bonds that may even last a lifetime. I will get to focus on what brings me joy apart from her. I get to help women to release years of suppressed emotion and guide them to start honouring themselves and making decisions in alignment with their authentic selves.
My work is tremendously inspiring and while raising a healthy, joyful and inspired Little Miss, I also get to work with incredible women who long to return to their healthy, joyful and inspired selves.
It all starts with honouring your feelings. Your feelings are the language of your soul, so let it speak to you. Stop denying them, ignoring them and suppressing them. They long to be felt. Let them wash over you so you can be free of the stickiness of suppression, and let the joy and peace start to wash over you once you can freely experience the full range of beautiful, soulful human emotion.